"Your Eclectedness...forgive me if my humble "grope" has in any way offended or perturbed you...I read your "Fooken" profile, and now realize why you are single...I must say, you have an impressive vocabulary, hombre, and, in my presumably worthless opinion, which you most likely will confirm, you are the first "Redneck/Savant" I've ever encountered here; or anywhere. Just curious, did you vote for Bush, chico? I leave you now, Your Immenceness...forgive...I am dirt before you...:-) *kiss, kiss*"

One always starts with an arresting opening. The paragraph above was written by a feller from Victoria BC, having been so moved by an online profile of mine.

The profile:

"Call me Deke. Am very much the big bro type; don't call me 'dad', don't call me 'sir'. The last thing I want to hear out of your ill-mannered and uninformed cakehole is how hot you think I am. Looking for companionship and one lasting battlebuddy; redheads, muscles, ink, former and AD military, brains, heart are all desirable. Younger than me and shorter than me sometimes produces an effect over which I have no control. Honesty is essential; strength that matches mine is compelling. Make conversation, treat me with simple respect and we'll get along fine. Former MOS 0311 and 5565; prefer own species (jarhead) for, uh, FTX and related merriment. I play rough. BC/KO, electro, singletails, chastity, gelding, guns, knives, piercing. I'd just as soon blacken a man's eyes or split his lips as kiss him. Yeah, I'm single. Live in fear. Gropes are summarily ignored; if you can't make conversation and must rely on prefabricated gestures, return to the cliched hell in which you surely live.

"I play piano (I'm damn good) and alto sax (I need improvement). Groove on Messiaen, Debussy, Reich, Crumb, Stravinsky and Hildegarde of Bingen; enjoy Cannonball Adderley and Bill Evans, too. I read a lot (Pynchon, McCarthy, Delillo), enjoy old movies (big James Cagney and Edward G. Robinson fan), good food, camping, hiking and swimming nekkid. Fooken love weight-training, rugby (I play lock) and shooting (own a Taurus PT99, pre-brady, bwar-har-har). The quickest way to piss me off is to treat me like an object or an accessory (use of the word "look" as a noun puts me in mind of fingernails on a chalkboard); this also means I don't enjoy hook-ups or one-offs. Do I have an ideal mate? Yeah, I do; you probably aren't him, but ya could try to impress me. If HIV status is an issue, I'm not you're man; this is not a circuitous way of revealing my sero-status, rather it is a direct way of saying I don't tolerate the petty bullshit associated with twats who demand I be one or the other before they'll acknowledge my humanity or desirability."

The 'grope' that he mentions refers to a prefabricated message the site provides, presumably for, well, hell, I dunno. If a guy can't make conversation face to face, does providing him with a pre-written option truly do any good? What sort of association could one have with a man who can't speak for himself? -- because he's "shy" or he "never knows what to say." To paraphrase, if you can't say anything, don't say anything at all.